What was that? I dunno, but there goes another one!

Oh my god, I have a blog. And all this time I was subjecting my husband and kids to my maniacal babbling.

So, how is it that in your mid *ahem* 30's that four+ months can just sneak past you? I certainly felt busy. I've bought a whole bunch of crap, survived the holidays, had my first postpartum period 3 times, and started my taxes. When did the time warp pass through my house, and why didn't it scoop up my kids and return them to me when they have all their shit together and can do their own laundry?

So, on to things.

4 year olds. How is it possible that one sweet little 32 pound cherub can make someone so utterly annoyed and on the verge of burning her own retinas out with a lit cigarette? I remember as a young child watching Bill Cosby's stand up 'Himself'. He told the hilarious story of one little 'Geoffry'. Geoffry was the demon spawn who ruined everyone's airplane trip by talking incessantly, saying "NO", running through the aisle, kicking the poor sap sitting in front of him, and basically wore his poor mother down to a pile of sweaty Hanes, mascara and Aquanet. Well, that's me. A once Div-tastic MILF who now cannot even pull it together to cover up my newly arrived postpartum hormone induced pimples for a trip to the grocery store. No self respect, none. 2 inch roots-CHECK. 2 inch leg hair-CHECK. I'm also fairly certain I ran out of deodorant a month ago.

The good news is that I've put myself back out there for a real grown up job. Maybe being forced to get up and look presentable each day will somehow, through osmosis hopefully, take about 5 years off my face.

Got something for me to yammer on and on about? Send it to asknaptime@gmail.com

a sign from above?

So, I'm sitting here.. doing a little here and there on the internets, simultaneously admiring my baby boy standing right next to me clapping and looking generally adorable in his blue Bumwear diaper. Actually, let me be more accurate. I was on CRAIGSLIST perusing the job section (as i was just thinking how much I would like to get some away time from the monkeys and start working again), when I looked down and see the aforementioned adorable baby in Bumwears has removed the diaper and spread poo on the floor while my 4 year old (The Informer) says "He's eating his POO!! He's eating his POO!!"

Hmmm. Seems like a clear message to me. At least she's old enough to go fetch me a towel out of the bathroom on command.

Off like a herd of turtles

Did you know that it takes exactly 42 hours and 17 minutes to pack up a family of four to go on vacation for 5 days? Well it does.

Did you also know that cops don't care if your baby is screaming bloody murder in the seat for some "nin" and will give you a ticket for 20 over even if you are just trying to get to your destination quicker? Well they don't.

Now that I'm back and had some relax time in the name of passing the children off to relatives for a few days. I'm writing again, and that means answering again.

Here goes, and thanks to my first two opinion seekers.

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dear bad *ss mamma, i have a mother problem. in fact, i have a double-mother-problem. my mother is so intensely wrapped up in the (overly dramatic) life of my much younger sister and her 20 month-old daughter that anytime i'm on the phone with her, extolling the joys of my 11 month-old, she blurts out (every damn time), "oh, 'Jane' is *so* funny! 'Leslie' is getting her to mimic the will ferrell-video baby ... hahaha! isn't that grrrreat?!" no, it really isn't. then to trump that insane situation, my MIL is *actually* insane! she has been/was (depending on the month) clinically depressed for 30+ years ... she screams like a banshee at my FIL and my SIL and my niece that i'm thinking if i just punched her in the face, everyone would be happier. here's the problem ... i don't want to deny my kid her crazy grandmothers. WTF?! thanks in advance for fixing my life.

OMG!! Isn't that Will Ferrel "The Landlord" video HILARIOUS!!?? The things they got that cute little cherub to say, oh man!! My 13 year old and I are constantly quoting that vid! He's such a comedic GENIUS!

Anyway, yes... one mother is challenging, let alone two. However, as a mother yourself... you will inevitably do things (in fact it is your duty in years to come) to irritate / embarrass / empower your kids, so hard as it may be, tread lightly here on the annoyance scale. Remember, your kids are the ones who will be administering your medication someday.

If you decide to make a "Jackass" video, starring your stunt-kid in training that would most certainly trump your sister. But, this isn't a contest is it? Stay the course and just make sure your little prodigy is in the top 2% of her class.

Now, on to the MIL. I'm a big fan of WYSIWYG (what you see is what you get). Although at this age your lil one is definitely too young to verbally understand the rantings of an over-medicated grammie, she can certainly sense tension, and someday she will understand actions and consequences, so eventually you could totally use MIL as an example of how NOT to treat others. I know it seems a little 'new age' but since kids don't come with instruction manuals, sometimes having such a clear cut example of how NOT to do things can actually be a blessing in disguise. For now though, if grammie starts popping her cork at the slightest thing you may want to talk to your partner about changing her meds? Does she need to be depressed AND angry?

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Let me get down to it. Perhaps you know what it is like to receive odd comments while pregnant. You've been down this road a time or two, right? So, my scenario is not a new one to pregnant mothers of the world but my inward angst is new to me. Lately I have heard far too many comments on the size of my belly. I've heard the "twins" comment and the "My friend isn't as big as you and she's further along" comment. I'm beginning to think I must look like a house. However, my good friends are lavishing praises on me about how "great" I look. I've gained 20 pounds already and I am at my 28th week. I weighed 135 before pregnancy and I'm 5'5". Is that normal? I feel like I should just shut the curtains and hide inside to shut out all of the worlds opinions. But I am soliciting yours. :)
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signed,

Apparently..the FAT CHICK

I am the first to admit my physical shallowness. Having gone through 3 pregnancies I've covered all the bases, but I was H U G E with baby belly each time. On cue at the turn of the 2nd trimester people would start asking if I was having twins, not to mention my all time fav "WOW! You look like you're about to POP!" (as if babies are born a la ALIEN style through the abdomen). It is human nature to compare us and those we know to others, so seriously, blow these people off. Nod and agree, then go home and laugh at them and poke your 'random stranger / commenter' voodoo doll in the crotch.

The good news is that the perpetrators are actually talking about your baby-belly WHICH DOES NOT = FAT. We won't even go into thighs, cankles, arms or back fat because if anyone were to say anything to you about those parts of your anatomy you have 100% carte blanche to start biting. The fact is that people are fascinated by pregnancy, but also confused by it. Reply or retort if you want to, but are you truly going to convey your feelings with a ton of crying hormones pouring all over said stranger or relative?

In my years I have seen many amazing bellies in all shapes and sizes. And do you know why they are all amazing? Because there is a BABY IN THERE. A living, kicking, soon-to-be insomniac life form that is hanging out because of YOU. Love it.

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Got something? Send it to asknaptime@gmail.com

Good thing they're born cute...

My mother said to me within days of giving birth to my 3rd child 9 months ago, "You know, I never in a million years thought you were going to have kids. Hmmm. Just make sure you cover up that penis, he's going to pee all over you!"

What incredible advice. Had I known then that "pee" was actually a metaphor for "walk", I wouldn't have been so cavalier about being a 3rd time mom whos girls had slept through the night no later than 5 weeks of their arrival and had been perfect angels throughout their current existence.

That being said, this blog serves two purposes.

1. Therapy for me
2. Therapy for you

I have often been told that I am a great mom. I believe it's not so much about being *great* at keeping them from poking your keys into the light socket or fishing dog hair out of their mouths, but keeping your sense of humor while helping to guide your kids become decent adults so that you don't have to take in your grandkids when you've long retired in Positano. I believe in helping them gain independence while discovering their surroundings, keeping them safe but not scared, and keeping them well dressed.

There's almost nothing besides bossing my kids around that I love more than talking. On the phone, on the computer, to a brick wall (husband, kids). That being said, I'm offering up an opinion column to you out there in the land of the internets. If you would like, I can offer you alternative points of views, advice, resources and a good ole fashion tongue lashing for driving around with your baby on your lap.

so start sending those letters to asknaptime@gmail.com